Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The end

Today was my last day of high school ever, it was so strange and I just got to thinking about people and time and relationships. As usual it was just yearbook signing and I've never been huge on it because usually I don't even know half the people that end up signing it anyway. This year I just kind of chilled in the library and talked with two of my not really friends but more close aquaintences. It's strange how just talking to people you barely know makes you realize how short high school is, I met these two my freshman year and have countless stories with them but I can't tell you their favorite colors or food. Just weird how we can be so connected through common things and talk for hours but not know each other. After that I went to the main office to talk with Kim our main secretary, in there was a girl I used to date and once thought of marrying. But I talked to her and thought it strange I know everything about this girl and we used to be so close and when she's in a good mood it still feels that way just not in a romantic way. But I just thought how weird it is that the person I know everything about I already know we won't keep in touch after tomorrow because really we've only stayed in contact through classes. Just weird how casual and surface level relationships seem fresh and Alive yet past relationships that had so much meaning feel gone. I don't think it's a bad thing as I'm very happy with where I am in my life and the people in it just it's an interesting thing to ponder. Then as I was sitting outside the library to get away from the hoards of people a girl I met in 7th grade came up to me and sat down. She asked to exchange yearbooks and I agree. At this point I was already thinking about how strange relationships are and I kind of wrote that in her book. I know for a fact this girl doesn't remember who I am she thinks we met last year which is funny because in 7th grade we were basically connected at the hip because neither of us had many friends that is until people found out who her family was then she was much too popular for me. But in her book I wrote about our 7th grade days and laughed about how easily we had grown apart and that now we'd probably never talk again since we never talk as it is. After that I found two more very old friends turned into awkward hellos throughout the years. One of them was my best friend through elementary school we did everything together. One summer we lit a rail on fire to grind it and ended up blowing up the side of a mountain. Along with countless sleep overs late might video game marathons and various other shananogans. Then as we got older he progressed more heavily into the skating world and I took up a more academic life style and we drifted apart. My sophomore year we found ourselves together again because of our common interest in art but by this point we were very different people and the connection was no longer there inside jokes had lost their spark and our adventure were now memories. I still say hello and talk to him on occasion but it is awkward. The other friend was a girl probably my very first crush. Her my uncle and I hung out everyday from the crib until about second grade then of course we couldn't be friends with girls that is weird right? Anyway by sixth grade we talked and stuff but that was it. At the start of high school the three of us stood together at te bus stop my uncle distanced himself so I was left to just talk with her and I tried and failed it was sooo awkward which is strange cause I can talk to anyone typically and it's not that bad, for crying outloud I talk to this girls mother and it's easy even still. But whenever I see this girl in the hall we say hello and stand there an I feel like we're both trying to say something but don't. I don't know why but I have no idea what to say to her and I don't know why I feel like I have to, but I alway feel so awkward like we both expect a flowing conversation but it never comes. And before you think its because we like each other or something like that it's really not. Her mother and I talked about this once not very long ago and we agreed that it would always be a brother and sister type thing since we'd grown up together. Perhaps that's why we feel like we should have flowing conversation because we've grown up so close always a block away an always in each others lives even if we never talked. We jut feel like we should be able to since we've been so connected but in reality we are miles apart and that's why we just awkwardly say hello and then stumble on about how vital it is we get to class on time and can't chat. Then finally I was just thinkin about the relationship I hold so closely to my heart right now. so this girl I don't know how to explain it but like there is jut this magnatizing pull I have to her. I just don't want to leave her side ever. I love everything about her even when I get jealous of all the boys and dates she gets asked to. The way she looks at me when we talk just make me feel so good and like she's listening and truly cares. She makes me want to be a better person I hangout with her and I feel so lucky to have recieved this relationship that I need to improve myself to keep it because she I that precious to me. Since we started whatver we are my scripture study, personal prayers, and church attendance have gone up drastically and my testimony has been deeply strengthened. She may not see how hard I'm trying to be better but I think she knows I love her. I would do most anything for her just because I want to be there and be helpful an return all the things she's helped me with but I don't know if j can but I will try. I just realized of all my relationships in life this one feels different an very special and precious. She feels closest to what I feel for my family though it Is very different still. I just don't know how to describe it except that I want that feeling to stay, even if our relationship changes to a nonromantic type I still want her to be in my life. I just realized how all precious relationships I talked about Im really fine with them ending and fading away but this one I don't want to leave. No matter what that means I want to be a part of her life and her a part of mine even if it meant I was that weird guy her kids called uncle Braden even though I wasn't their uncle. Any just keep in mind your relationships especially the important ones they are what make you who you are.

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