Girls

         Well this idea has been around but i'm stealing it now cause i think it's kind of a fun post and i haven't had one of those in awhile so here it goes pretend letters to real girls in my life. or at least sort of in my life

Dear, sweetheart

We have been through so much together and I've loved every second of it.

I can't believe I'm leaving and won't see you for two years.

oh well it'll be worth it and hopefully we can have more adventures in two years.

thanks for everything always being there, the endless support, and the love you offer me.

Love, Braden.

Dear, surrogate sister

Even though you're suuuuuper old and it's almost your birthday again, I love hanging out with you.

you've really helped me by being such a strong example. 

you better write me personally and not just piggy back on your sisters letters....

you're awesome and wait for me to get home before you marry your boy so I can be there.

I'm serious about that, Braden.

Dear, ex

I'm really sorry about how life is right now,

I'm sorry it's not going the way you want and you feel stuck.

I truly hope it gets better 

wishing you luck,

Braden.

Dear, Zooey Deschanel clone

We made eye contact and waved at each other awkwardly at walmart late last night.

I can only take this as "lets raise awkward little indie hipster babies together in a cool loft apartment"

yes that is definitely what that meant.

awkwardly, your future husband

Dear, old friend

I'm glad we can talk and be close friends,

however I'm confused about what you want though.

I think we want different things out of this relationship.

Friends forever, Braden

Dear, instagram stalker

I don't know who you are but you really creep me out. 

You don't even follow me!

Please note I've blocked you and reported your creepy comments

(which were hastily removed)

creeped out, Braden

P.S. I wouldn't be surprised if you had somehow found my personal blog and were actually reading this  o.O

curiosity really does kill the cat

So i have no idea why i am this way but i always have been for as long as i can remember but i can't seem to stop doing it. I'll get either a question or something like that stuck in my head and i just have to know the answer. with some aspects in life it's really helped. i know more about sharks, and planets, and the mayan calendar than i would ever need to know because i had those questions in my mind and just pushed and pushed for the answer. it's helped and hurt religiously i've been confused about something and just search for answers sometimes too hastily and have hindered progression. in relationships i've pushed people away because i just have to know something and it sucks because i try not to dwell on things but i know i do and yeah. I just wish i could turn this part of me off but i've never been able to and  i don't really even know what it is but it always bugs me. even when it's helpful it bugs me, if i'm at dinner or a movie or something and something comes up that i don't know what it is or how it applies i have to look it up and i have to learn about it. having a smart phone has made this worse because now as soon as something comes up i can just pull it out and look it up. even if i try not too it drives me crazy knowing i have the answers to my questions in my pocket. Lately though it's been especially bad i don't know why though but its really getting to me :( i don't know that i've ever told anyone about this. maybe i have and have just forgottten but i needed to get it out because it's just really bugging me. i don't know if its gotten worse because there is a huge change coming in my life or what but its just bleh.

some examples just from today. I had to learn more about the isolationist theory because it came up on a documentary, i had to learn more about the ancient astronaut theory, i had to learn how they make tea bags and what it means when they say naturally oxidized, and of course i had to read over 15 articles about the debates last night which lead to reading about what the definition of what a small business is. i bugged my friend about something i knew she'd tell me later, and i had to learn about all the specs of the ipad mini and its competitors. (i don't even care about taplets!!!!) is this some form of ocd?!

Less than a month

Well I just got home from California and it was awesome! Six flags probably one of the coolest places ever I wish I could have had more time there! I can't decide on a favorite rollercoaster cause they were all soo cool. I really liked x2 because of the strange and unique riding style, tatsu was so cool because you lay down superman style on the ride and do corkscrews and loops and you really feel like you're flying! Riddler's revenge was awesome standing on a rollercoaster is so strange but it's a neat experience the g forces just feel so much different. I could ride rollercoasters all day! We went to Newport beach which i just love! Did some boogie boarding with the cousins and just enjoyed the sunset that night beach sunsets=best sunsets. Of course Disneyland was great it always is.

Anyway on the vacation there was the one month mark for leavin on my mission to Mexico city. And it just really hit home how close it is. I just got thinking about everything from not living with anyone I know to talking about the gospel 24/7 for two years! It's just so many new things all at once, I'll be speaking a new language, live in a new country with only my companion, eat weird food, wear dress clothes all the time, have little contact with anyone I truly know. It's a lot to get used to in such a short time. I'm so excited for it though cause I really need the experience it'll help me grow do much and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. It's weird to think my life will be on hold for two years but everyone else continues. So much will change for everyone I love and care about but like I won't be there to experience it with them it's really a strange idea. I'm gonna miss my family so much! My mom and dad who are just there always but now they won't be just weird to think about even of I am rather independent already it's just strange that the one true constant in your life is gone too. I'll miss Braxton a lot that silly boy is going to grow so much and I won't hear his silly giggle or voice for awhile. Brock because I won't be able to make the same dumb inside jokes and meme/Internet jokes with him and laugh about it. Brianna because Of her attention to detail and strict observation of rules which keeps me inline when I might otherwise not be, as well as her friendly personality where no one is a stranger and everyone is her friend. I'm goin to miss Maren so much obviously. I've shared so much of my life as everything with her for the last year and a half ish. We've had so many adventures and I just love her so much. She helps me with everything and is always there for me. I'm going to miss goin on the most random crazy spontanious adventures with her. I hope they can continue when I get home. Camille because I've grown so close to her. For a long time I kinda felt like she disliked me. But now she's someone I can count on to just share jokes with and have a good time with. She's also just a great example to me. Jared just because he's like my only close guy friend and while we may not always bring out the best in each other we are always brothers and that's just something that lasts. I'm going to miss everyone so much but it'll be so worth it and hopefully they won't have all forgotten about me haja

I just don't know

I I just don't know and that's the worst. My mission is so close and I know it's the right thing to do but everything is getting so hard and I feel really alone lately. I know it's the adversary trying to discourage me and I won't let it work but man it's hard

Even at my worst I'm best with you

So despite being stressed out and feeling slightly paranoid about things that i shouldn't be since i know theyre actually really good right now. I'm really happy tonight. i put in my two weeks and am so ready to be done work is just killing me lately and i can't handle it at all. I just am so happy that that is done and thats all i really wanted to say oh wait one more thing this song has been on my mind just cause it's been helping me get through the days cause it makes me think of someone special that i just love with all my heart

good

I think the biggest thing the human species wonders is, what have i accomplished, have i changed the world, and have i done anything truly good. i guess lately i've really been thinking about these and i guess my accomplishments aren't anything out of the ordinary but i'm not really that old so there are alot more to come i hope. I havent really changed the world though i'd like to. But i figure i've still got a lot of time to do that. The one that is really bugging me is have i done anything good.

Now i try to be the best person i can and nice to everyone and i genuinely want to help as many people as i possibly can. but i feel like i really am not very good at it. i feel like i don't help people and people don't want to talk to me and i'm trying but it doesn't really matter. I guess lately i've just been feeling really down and it's effecting everything. I feel like i should continue with these goals but at the same time im worried i'm just hurting everyone i try to help so i feel like i should give up alot. i don't know i just want to help i just don't know how to.

Norms

I've really just been thinking a lot lately about the social, and cultural Norms that we follow and that I follow specifically. The two I really mean are that guys don't talk about how they feel and that guys don't cry. The first one i don't follow as closely cause I think it's silly but I do have a hard time with it on occasions I really have  to be feeling internally pressured. But the second I follow religiously there is just so much societal pressure that men do not cry. However lately I don't know that this is a good thing for us to do. The last few days I've just been havin a hard time and I'll get really close to crying but then I just have to push it down and move on. I've always been told its such a great and healthy release and it really make you feel better. I don't think I've ever had a really good cry cause I never feel better after but that's probably cause i don't let it escape. But tonight I've just been so curious and think maybe I should just try it but whenever I get close I stop myself I dont know I guess we'll see what happens