Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Fortune cookie

You know sometimes the best advice in life comes from a cookie. Especially when te cookie tells you to listen to the advice that comes from your heart. I really like that cause it's true when you follow your heart you typically feel a lot happier :)

Saturday, May 26, 2012

"Happy is a heart that still feels pain"

So this song is not my most favorite from this artist in fact it's one of my least favorite, however it has one of my most favorite lines or verse I suppose. This line is the title of this post "Happy is the heart that still feels pain. Darkness drains and light will come again. Open up your heart and let it in, just let the love, love, love begin (come in)" Many people see the happy is the heart that still feels pain line and think of the morbidness that it could imply. However this line to me is much more poetic and romantic. 

Today i had a prime example of how this line is so powerful, My close friend told me some stuff that hurt a lot, while it hurts if you look at it with the guidance of this line it can be a beautiful thing instead of an ugly one. I'll finally explain what I mean, when you get bad news and you feel it in your heart, it means you're still trying your still going strong! While getting bad news hurts it shows you that you still care and you aren't giving up yet so truly you are happy and you're just going through a dark time and you can recognize that. 

That brings us to the next line darkness drains and light will come again. pretty self-explanitory so i'm not going to talk about it. the last line is strategically placed at the end even though it is the instructions for the first two lines. If you cannot open your heart to love/forgiveness/support then you just feel pain and the darkness stays. But when you let the love/forgiveness/support come into your heart you recognize the pain you feel is just a reminder of how much you care, if your heart doesn't feel pain obviously the feeling is gone and you aren't happy. when you see this then it is possible to see the light creeping back in even if it's slowly it comes back. 

I truly believe happy is the heart that still feels pain because it is how you really feel your trust is still there, your love, everything that is good. if the pain is gone you've become cynical, dead, and cold to the things that will make you the happiest. 

I hope this post makes sense, in my mind i can see how this line is so beautiful but i don't know that i have the language skill to express my logic. hopefully i have and this post can help anyone that finds it. sorry for being so sedimental in these last few posts i'm just in that kind of a mood right now. anyway off to bed.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The end

Today was my last day of high school ever, it was so strange and I just got to thinking about people and time and relationships. As usual it was just yearbook signing and I've never been huge on it because usually I don't even know half the people that end up signing it anyway. This year I just kind of chilled in the library and talked with two of my not really friends but more close aquaintences. It's strange how just talking to people you barely know makes you realize how short high school is, I met these two my freshman year and have countless stories with them but I can't tell you their favorite colors or food. Just weird how we can be so connected through common things and talk for hours but not know each other. After that I went to the main office to talk with Kim our main secretary, in there was a girl I used to date and once thought of marrying. But I talked to her and thought it strange I know everything about this girl and we used to be so close and when she's in a good mood it still feels that way just not in a romantic way. But I just thought how weird it is that the person I know everything about I already know we won't keep in touch after tomorrow because really we've only stayed in contact through classes. Just weird how casual and surface level relationships seem fresh and Alive yet past relationships that had so much meaning feel gone. I don't think it's a bad thing as I'm very happy with where I am in my life and the people in it just it's an interesting thing to ponder. Then as I was sitting outside the library to get away from the hoards of people a girl I met in 7th grade came up to me and sat down. She asked to exchange yearbooks and I agree. At this point I was already thinking about how strange relationships are and I kind of wrote that in her book. I know for a fact this girl doesn't remember who I am she thinks we met last year which is funny because in 7th grade we were basically connected at the hip because neither of us had many friends that is until people found out who her family was then she was much too popular for me. But in her book I wrote about our 7th grade days and laughed about how easily we had grown apart and that now we'd probably never talk again since we never talk as it is. After that I found two more very old friends turned into awkward hellos throughout the years. One of them was my best friend through elementary school we did everything together. One summer we lit a rail on fire to grind it and ended up blowing up the side of a mountain. Along with countless sleep overs late might video game marathons and various other shananogans. Then as we got older he progressed more heavily into the skating world and I took up a more academic life style and we drifted apart. My sophomore year we found ourselves together again because of our common interest in art but by this point we were very different people and the connection was no longer there inside jokes had lost their spark and our adventure were now memories. I still say hello and talk to him on occasion but it is awkward. The other friend was a girl probably my very first crush. Her my uncle and I hung out everyday from the crib until about second grade then of course we couldn't be friends with girls that is weird right? Anyway by sixth grade we talked and stuff but that was it. At the start of high school the three of us stood together at te bus stop my uncle distanced himself so I was left to just talk with her and I tried and failed it was sooo awkward which is strange cause I can talk to anyone typically and it's not that bad, for crying outloud I talk to this girls mother and it's easy even still. But whenever I see this girl in the hall we say hello and stand there an I feel like we're both trying to say something but don't. I don't know why but I have no idea what to say to her and I don't know why I feel like I have to, but I alway feel so awkward like we both expect a flowing conversation but it never comes. And before you think its because we like each other or something like that it's really not. Her mother and I talked about this once not very long ago and we agreed that it would always be a brother and sister type thing since we'd grown up together. Perhaps that's why we feel like we should have flowing conversation because we've grown up so close always a block away an always in each others lives even if we never talked. We jut feel like we should be able to since we've been so connected but in reality we are miles apart and that's why we just awkwardly say hello and then stumble on about how vital it is we get to class on time and can't chat. Then finally I was just thinkin about the relationship I hold so closely to my heart right now. so this girl I don't know how to explain it but like there is jut this magnatizing pull I have to her. I just don't want to leave her side ever. I love everything about her even when I get jealous of all the boys and dates she gets asked to. The way she looks at me when we talk just make me feel so good and like she's listening and truly cares. She makes me want to be a better person I hangout with her and I feel so lucky to have recieved this relationship that I need to improve myself to keep it because she I that precious to me. Since we started whatver we are my scripture study, personal prayers, and church attendance have gone up drastically and my testimony has been deeply strengthened. She may not see how hard I'm trying to be better but I think she knows I love her. I would do most anything for her just because I want to be there and be helpful an return all the things she's helped me with but I don't know if j can but I will try. I just realized of all my relationships in life this one feels different an very special and precious. She feels closest to what I feel for my family though it Is very different still. I just don't know how to describe it except that I want that feeling to stay, even if our relationship changes to a nonromantic type I still want her to be in my life. I just realized how all precious relationships I talked about Im really fine with them ending and fading away but this one I don't want to leave. No matter what that means I want to be a part of her life and her a part of mine even if it meant I was that weird guy her kids called uncle Braden even though I wasn't their uncle. Any just keep in mind your relationships especially the important ones they are what make you who you are.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

life or something to that effect

Alright so I don't know what to write but I'm sitting here doing nothing waiting for laundry, so I might as well write a blog post right? Ok so I just got home from work and i realized i don't have clean close for tomorrow so that's why I am doing that this late. I feel like all I ever do now is work or school and I'm losing touch with myself. This week we had a lesson in church about the importance of keeping a journal and i realized that would really help me so much just because it doesn't have to be huge long epics, or narratives. It can just be something to quickly take an introspective look at myself and let it all out. For now I think my blog will serve that purpose but i would like to start keeping a real journal soon and as i am graduating on thursday (awww life is crazy fast) I feel i will have more time to do so or at least its one of my goals.

Work tonight was surprisingly good, typically tuesdays are one of the worst days to work because it is DEAD. Tuesdays are the shot, drowned, and eaten by a shark kind of dead, there is literally no coming back. However tonight we had a nice amount of people I have no idea why but I'm grateful for it. Not only did we have an acceptable amount of patrons but they were generous too! I left with 7.50 in tips which is almost a weekend and a nice change from praying to get at least a dollar by the end of a tuesday. Also I built my cake for graduation which is one of my favorite things to do i love building cakes no idea why but I do. But my favorite is making sundaes because that is when you can be truly artistic at work (ok not really you don't have a lot of freedom but you can at least make it look really pretty and photo worthy) and I got to make two of them tonight! after handing one of them to the customer and apologizing because it didn't meet my high standards of how it should look, he gave me a puzzled look and said "damn boy i was saying you should be an artist! it looks incredible." I know he was probably saying that just to be nice but i'll take it sense I really do think i want to be an artist specifically a photographer which brings me to my next topic.

I finished up my portfolio for my commercial photography class and i feel like it's ok but i really want to make it better and get a Digital portfolio made since that is more practical is this modern technological world even if it's not as artistic. But I'd like to share with you one of my recent hybrid photos that i am very proud of. Now i realize hybrid photo sounds weird so i will explain. This photo is a scanned negative that i took and edited in photoshop. so i have the artistic aspect of using the 35mm camera which i prefer and then modern editing as i'm poor and i don't think my parents would approve of me making an unventilated dark room in their home. Anyway oldschool with the newshcool here it is let me know what you think love it, hate it, what you like, what you would change etc.
anyway my laundry is done now so it's off to bed goodnight internet world